"Funky" Hebden Bridge
Posted by Taweakame
Thursday, May 12, 2005
Fear Of Being Eaten By A Sandwich
Hebden Bridge is "the fourth most funky town in the World".
We surmise this has come as quite a surprise to anyone who inhabits "One Nation Under A Groove" taken the oath of "Groove Allegiance" or reckons Dr. Funkenstein is the founder of their Country.
If this is as funky as it gets we are in serious trouble. Well look around you on Planet Earth and we can certainly do with a lot more of the "Feel the Funk Philosophy" such as "Move your ass and your feet will follow" or "Think! Think! It ain't illegal yet".
But as for this modern marketing ploy of the accolade for pure vacuity-mentality I mean. The hundred best this, the 50 smelliest that. What next? The 1000 most adept uses of the comma in translations of 19th century French literature. Cmon!!!
All night long on Channel 99. Come to think of it, I would probably watch that in preference to 99% of the mind rot creeping out of the sordid organs of the Multinational driven media.
And what about this definition: "modern and stylish in an unconventional and stylish way." Who came up with that? Who else, it has got to be "Sir Nose Devoid of Funk".
Hebden Bridge was "Funky Town" once. See less and less evidence of this as opportunities created by government and delivered on plates to entirely devoid of Funk, property developers. Tear the heart and infra structure out of our once humming hotbed of "Funkadelika" want to force us to live in a dormitory of urban sprawl to line their pockets with dosh. "All is fair in the lust for power and gold". How unfunky is that philosophy.
There is however one aspect of the art and observations of George Clinton aka Dr. Funkenstein that does presently seem very relevant in Hebden Bridge. Wandering around the town today with its unbelievable plethora of cafes and hostelries, anyone could be excused from developing a severe case of "Fear of Being Eaten by A Sandwich".
There is simply not enough "Cosmic Slop" lying around the streets hearts and minds of Hebden to qualify for this absurd claim. Sorry. Perhaps a state visit by the "Promentalshitbackwashpsychosis Enema Squad" to the town would help.
If you don't know what we are talking about you isn't funky yet.